A while ago, I posted a video on Tik Tok, Youtube and my other social media platforms about trusting God. It came to me when watching a movie with my son…I had already seen the movie, so I knew how it ended. When a scary part came on (scary for a Disney movie)- my son was upset and wanted to turn the movie off… but I assured him that I knew how it ended and it would all be okay. I told him that even though there was a scary part, there would be a happy ending. Then I realized… (after mentally calling myself a dummy and rolling my eyes)** THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD! He knows the end of our story, so why am I not just trusting him completely? Why am I anxious, why am I worried, why am I freaking out when God knows the end of my story… because he wrote it.
**Side note… do you speak kindly to yourself about yourself when you're speaking to yourself…. This is a serious downfall of mine. If I spoke about others, or to others the way I speak to myself… I would literally have zero friends or family. Why do we do this? I know I can’t be the only one. If God loves us, says we are chosen, forgiven, loved and his precious children… Why then do we treat ourselves like trash? Unless I am completely alone in this and the only one… then please pretend you have temporary amnesia and forget everything you just read.**
Then last week I was sitting next to my son as he was trying to fall asleep; recently when I put him to sleep he’s been asking me to stay and hold his hand until he falls asleep. [This has started after having a difficult time with the passing of my dad.] So as a parent…naturally I fight with the guilt and worry about doing this…. should I stay? Am I creating this really bad habit where he can’t fall asleep alone? Should I stay with him because he’s only little once and you hear people say that all the time and post the saddest videos on Tik Tok that make you cry ... woosh, back on track, anyway…. I’ve been sitting with him and I hold his hand… and using that time to pray for my son. I thought… Maybe God has created this situation, and set time apart for me where I have to stop, pause and reflect and truly pray for my son. [It seems like he always has a plan… we just don’t know the full script of the movie… right] Well this one night in particular I was praying for his heart and emotional regulation. You see when I tell my son no [parents have to tell their children NO a lot… and I mean A LOT!] He has been struggling to accept it. [This is the absolute nicest way I can phrase this] I prayed that as I told my son “no”, that he would start to understand that it’s for his own good, and to try to have a better reaction. Because every six year old hates the word NO… like “NO you cannot have an italian ice at 7:58 PM”, “NO you cannot jump off the banister to the stairs”, “NO you cannot bring all 5 of your neighborhood friends up to your room”… (yeah this one doesn’t need much explanation). And to a full grown, somewhat emotionally mature adult- all of these NO’s sound pretty reasonable… but to a six year old… It sounds like treason on all accounts! Grab the pitchforks! Kill the Beast! (Que the angry mob in any 90’s Disney movie). So I’ve been praying “Lord please help him understand that I’m not just trying to be mean but that there’s a reason for the “no”, I know things he doesn’t, I can see things he doesn’t and I’ve had more life experience than he has. And in that moment when I was praying for my son's eyes to be opened… it was my own eyes that were opened. Again like roll your eyes, “duh dummy” this is how God views me. God needs me to understand when he tells me no but it’s for a good reason and that God‘s not just being some mean angry parent who won’t take away my illness, or fix all of my financial woes in one foul swoop- NOT because he can’t… but because there is obviously a purpose and a plan for me as I work these things out. A purpose in the pause or the waiting. A purpose in each and every dark valley we walk through.
I think there’s so many parallels to being a parent and being a child of God, you get to see things from a different perspective and just trusting that God has our best in mind can be difficult. Just as difficult as trying to explain that eating an entire package of Sour Patch Kids [Did you mouth just pucker there… cause mine did] before bed is a terrible idea.
Now I really have never viewed God as a mean, angry, parent but I have quested why I don’t have things that I have prayed for or even pleaded with God for- or maybe why things have taken so long, and it all goes back to God the Father- right?! Father’s [or parents, guardians or caretakers] don’t give us what we want immediately- now it definitely seems like praying for healing and asking God to take pain away is much different than wanting candy at 7 pm before bed… but it is the grand scheme of things… having candy is something that at the moment seems soooo important to my son- like he can’t live without it- but I very lovingly assure him- yes, he can live without it. And that is the same with God- he is lovingly assuring us that we can live without whatever were asking for and during this time he has a plan, [similar to mine… right…. It’s 7pm, it's time to take a shower, brush our teeth, read a story, say our prayers you know the bedtime routine…] God’s plan might not look like a bedtime routine- but he still has one. One thing I have learned is that when in the period of waiting or pause- God is always trying to show me or teach me something. When I was dealing with my deteriorating health- he was teaching me how to pray, I mean really pray, get down on your knees and talk to God the father. When I was dealing with the grief from the death of my dad- he was teaching me how to search for wisdom in his book [The Bible] for myself and not rely on my dad’s faith.
Then this whole thought process of God the Father really hit home for me. You see… I lost my father, my daddy a little less than two years ago. Even typing this is a shot to the heart. A gut punch. My dad was my best friend- really he was everyone’s best friend. It was almost as if the anchor of our family was lost at sea. Through a year of grief counseling I learned that when we lost my dad, it was really like losing 47 different people, because my dad was something different to everyone, and to some more than one thing. But for me- I lost my hero, my mentor, my Pastor, my son’s Papa, my cheerleader, my voice of reason, my daddy. Through the past year and a half I have learned that even though I do not have my dad here on earth, I do have a heavenly Father, one that I can count on, that can guide me and grant me wisdom. A father who will always be with me, who will never leave me. Who loves me unconditionally- and that’s a lot because he legit knows everything…. [I still cringe when I think about this… but I am forgiven, redeemed and loved beyond all measure]. Then I began to think about fathers…. Parents really, or care takers in general. When you were a kid, did you have to worry about bills- no your father [mother, grandparent, aunt, uncle, guardian, caretaker, fill in the blank] took care of that. When you were a kid did you have to worry about filling up the car with gas? Going grocery shopping? Balancing the checkbook? (ha! Who even does this any more?!) As kids we quote didn’t have a care in the world (or at least every child shouldn’t in my opinion)- but all of the “things” were taken care of. So… if God is our Father… then why do we worry so much. Why are we so anxious? [This is definitely a much deeper theological issue… but bear with me]
Now i’m not saying that you shouldn’t be a responsible adult and God is just going to miraculously do everything for you- take out the trash, pay the bills, put gas in the car, no- it would be super cool [I mean he could…]- but when we zoom out of our lives and look at it as a whole- we need to trust that God is holding us in his hands- trusting that all things will work out for the Good of those who love him. (I’ve been trying to memorize this one for a while… Romans 8:28) And that my friends is what I am going to try to do…Trust that God, the Father, my Father has it all worked out, and it may not be easy, or pretty or perfect, but with God it will be good, because he’s seen the end of the movie, he wrote the script and no matter what, he will be by my side; because after all he’s my Father.